Alien Brain Disorder

I Don't Like Myself Today

Today, I do not like myself. Some days it's just like that. I'm annoyed at how lazy I have been this week, how much I have procrastinated. I am upset that I haven't kept up with routines that I KNOW make me feel better, but I have given up for more sleep or for more time to just sit and do nothing. I am irritated that I am not doing what I want to do.

I control myself, and I don't like myself for allowing myself to just pretend like that's not the case. Or just choose the bad options. The options that lead to poor choices.

I know I am unreasonably hard on myself. Sometimes it's really okay to just have a lazy period, but I don't feel good about it right now.

Today, I do not like myself.

I don't like the slightly dirty, itchy feeling of my skin because I missed the gym this morning and therefore didn't shower after the gym. I don't like the creeping headache I have from just not taking care of my body right. Nothing feels good today.

I know tomorrow is a new day. I can restart and do everything better tomorrow. I know this feeling is temporary. Tomorrow I can like myself. I can even be thrilled with myself. This is just a bad mood. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

I am doing the best I can.

"In The Desert" - Stephen Crane

My Black Thumb

I am not good at growing things. I have never in my entire life been good at growing things. My mother has never been good at growing things. I guess the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. What is funny though, is that my grandmother is amazing at growing Orchids. She probably has at least twenty at a time, all with little butterfly clips and a specific blooming cycle she has memorized. My mom and I, however, kill everything that comes in our path. Even when I was a kid, I was in charge of watering the plants as one of my chores. Those plants were always dead, no matter what I did. I really don't know why my parents kept letting me water those plants.

As an adult human, I reattempted growing a few times, always with terrible results. I would keep the dead plant around far longer than I should have in hopes that maybe it would spontaneously come back to life and be like, "Just kidding, Alysa! You are great at this!" but that never happened. I even killed cacti. Pretty quickly, too, they didn't even TRY to live. It's as if they didn't want me to succeed.

For Valentines day, my dear, sweet husband bought me a succulent pot since he knows I constantly eye succulents, wanting so badly to grow them. So now with a cute little pot I thought "Why not? Let's try this again."

So far... I am not murdering them! They seem to be doing pretty well! (I don't want to jinx it, though; they could die any second just to spite me) I even bought more pots and more succulents! So far, I have four adorable pots and eight succulents. The Golden Girls, King Ghidorah, Rigby, and Mordecai. All are still alive. I want so badly to be at least okay at this! I don't have to be a plant goddess, but having my cute little succulents makes me so happy. They bring a tiny bit of brightness to my life. (Oh my god, that's so damn cheesy, calm down Alysa, they are JUST plants.)

Seriously, though, I'm really loving them. It's a lot of fun to not murder them.

The Loch Ness Monster Dog

Back in January, we did something I have been dying to do for so long.

We adopted a dog!

I am beyond ecstatic about it since it's my absolute, number one dream to eventually live on a big property in the forest up north with many, MANY dogs. And goats. And one brown-haired cow. I am an extremely specific person, y'all.

Never in my entire life did I ever expect that we would own a Husky. Growing up, there was one that lived across the street from my family, and all we ever heard was about how it tore their place to shreds. The second I looked into her eyes at the shelter, though, it really didn't matter what type of dog she was. It was the same feeling I got when I first saw my other dog, Pickles. I immediately thought, "This is my dog."

Sure. She is a handful. SHE IS a Husky. Who is also a year old. BUT, I wouldn't trade her for anything. Even though she has a sensitive stomach, occasionally chews up something irreplaceable, and loves to do zoomies all over the place.

Thing I didn't know about Huskies, they LOVE to cuddle. She is always attempting to crawl up on my lap (Jarrett hates this since he doesn't want her hair all over the couch more than it already is!), and when she can't get up, she puts her paws up and buries her head in you or licks you forever.

We ended up naming her "Nessie" since we are super obsessed with cryptids, and one of the most infamous is, of course, The Loch Ness Monster. She is also albino, which just adds to how truly special she is.

I am already so attached to this beautiful little polar bear dog. She makes big, dumb smiles and loves to play tug of war with fingers. She murders toys and has weird belly hair. I love her stupid face to the moon and back.

Something I would like to bring up from this experience is that the shelters are FULL of Huskies right now. Just like with 101 Dalmatians and Frasier, another breed has become popular due to pop culture and is now being widely abandoned due to people not understanding the responsibilities that come with owning a dog. With Game of Thrones, everyone wants a Husky. When they aren't a puppy anymore, and they are chewing everything due to boredom since most people don't have the energy for the breed, they dump them. Nessie was found on the street. This is heartbreaking.

If you see an animal on your favorite show and feel inclined to own that animal, do your research. Really and truly consider if you actually WANT to have that animal as a part of your family, and if you are willing to dedicate your resources and time. Otherwise, we end up with shelters full of Huskies that just want a family to cuddle and play with.

credit: dlartphoto.com

Who Am I?

Is it okay to be 26 and still have existential crises? Because I feel like I've been having them forever, and I am not sure they are going to come to a stop anytime soon. I think I should have figured this out by now. Maybe I already DO know, but I am just doing my thing where I think I suck, but everyone else thinks differently. Am I being TOO relatable right now? Ha.
I just look at myself as a whole and feel like I am a bunch of floating pieces instead of a whole person. Like, I don't have a strong identity. I am made up of a ton of different identities smooshed into one. I am a creative who works in a very code-heavy job that is obsessed with skin care and makeup but rarely wears makeup, and I have a big, loving heart but openly despises the world... what is this mess? WHO AM I?
I am contradictory.
I am in love with milkshakes and binge eating candy, but obsessed with counting calories.
I am spontaneous and wild, but I plan like an INSANE woman.
I wish I could be moving and productive 24/7, and FREAK if I am not, but want to lie on the couch for hours (and sometimes do).
I want to dress cute and sometimes try, but wear my mom's old sweater from the 90's more days than I like to admit.
Maybe this is normal. Maybe you are thinking, "Get your shit together, you dumb lady."

I don't think it's strange to not know and to be constantly challenging yourself to figure it out. Stagnant people are boring. I would rather be still freaking out and trying to become something better at 80 than sit in my dusty ol' chair thinking about dying. That's boring, and I am bored just thinking about it. Put on my gravestone, "WHO AM I?"

I am happy, though right now. I like my job. I like my life. I like my dogs. (You heard right, I got another dog) I like things. Weird.

New Year

I want to do better for myself. With the last half a year of insane overtime I have been putting myself through with the wedding, the holidays, getting used to a new job... I have severely neglected myself. As of recent, I have succumbed to severe dissatisfaction with my looks, my health, my weight, and my life in general. I may have very high standards for myself, but I enjoy trying to live up to those.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions because they always get broken. To attempt to refurbish my life, I instead made a "New Year's To-Do list" (kinda the same but whatever, this is my way hahah)

LET’S DO THIS

Yoga every night at 11:30PM: I feel like this will really help me to become a healthier, more relaxed person. I am already trying to replace my anxiety medication through other methods like CBD, a weighted blanket, and exercise. I think stepping away from the screens and relaxing right before bed with some nice music would really help.
Green Tea smoothie in the morning: I have a pretty dope recipe for this that involves no added sugar and home-brewed tea (yay, no citric acid for my bladder!) This is just a great healthy start to the day!
Healthy lunch every day, balanced: For a long time, I have skipped lunch or just scrounged from the snacks in the office. It has been less than healthy. I need to focus on bringing at least a small something to eat every day to keep me healthy and satisfied till dinner. I mention balanced, so I include more than just one food group!
Cook healthy dinners: It's pretty easy to just eat out all the time or to just throw something unhealthy together to get it over with. This isn't going to fly anymore. It makes me feel like shit, and my body needs more than french fries, sorry 'bout it.
Muay Thai 2x a week: Muay Thai has been INSANELY beneficial for me. Not just for my mental health, but for me physically too. I love doing it, and it makes me feel great. This needs to be something I keep up with and don't just make excuses to get out o,f so I can watch 2 more hours of television.
Read every day: I used to read a book a week. It was one of my favorite pastimes. Now I have a pile of unread books up to my hip, and it makes me really upset. I want to get back into it. It brought me so much joy, and I'm neglecting it to just be lazy.
Write at least once a week: I haven't finished a book in over a year. I self-published one and then got massive writer's block. I have 2 books in the works, but they barely have 10 pages each. I need to get back into it. Once again, stop being lazy!
Lift weights: This kinda goes along with Muay Thai. I have TERRIBLE muscle strength, and I need to build it back up.
Work on Wormhole Labs: This is crazy important to me. This is my husband's and my new business, and I want to really get it off the ground this year. It's my dream to work for myself, and to include my husband in it makes me so happy!
Write in blog 3x a week: I need to stop ignoring this blog. Writing here about my life and thoughts makes me feel better. Why ignore something that makes me feel good?
Make a better budget and start saving: After the wedding and Christmas, I am CLEANED OUT. I need to get back on track and redo my budget. Then it's time to save and pay off all those debts.
Get a better skin care routine: I am iway self conscious about my skin and want to really work on finding the right products for the mess of a face I have.
Keep up with planner: Having a planner all filled out brings me much joy. It's calming, and I find joy in it. Also, my husband will tease me mercilessly if I spend a bunch of money on it and never do it! This is also another step towards being crazy organized.
Stop SMOKING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD: I actually am on my 3rd day of quitting! Wish me luck!

I really hope I can kick this year's ass. I have a lot more than this list that I want to accomplish, but this is always a good place to start!