Alien Brain Disorder

The Importance of Trees & Friendship

This weekend, I got to see my best friend and a couple of random Redwood trees inconspicuously planted in a park in Yorba Linda. These are two of my very favorite things in the world. In fact, I got married in front of BOTH of them because I like them so damn much! My best friend, Denise Luce, is a photographer, and you should definitely check her out!

dlartphoto

One of my favorite things about the Redwoods is the bark. The bark sheds like snakeskin and flakes away. It has thousands of layers, changing shades. The smell of a Redwood tree is amazing. Something that was, unfortunately, yesterday, masked by burning barbecue smell. I also hate people. Did I mention I hate people? A wasp also ate some of my sandwich, and it wouldn't leave us alone. Truly, though, nothing cleans the soul better than spending quality time with your BFF.

Anyway, please enjoy my photos of the Redwoods in Yorba Linda

and two photos of some cool leaves because whyyyyy not?

Y O U T H

Youth is peeling tinted windows of old cars that smell like cigarettes

The burns from years past on the ceiling that melted the fibers together

Youth is cigarette brands that your grandparents smokes

Cigarette brands your ex-boyfriend smokes

The cheapest pack of cigarettes at the gas station

Youth is dry, hot summer air

Sitting in the car, chain-smoking with your best friend

The radio is the only keeper of time

Youth is sap stuck to your shoes and vomit on your clothes

From smoking pot and drinking in the park until four in the morning

From drinking a bottle of whiskey to forget why I’m here

Youth is skin against skin

Where passion can so quickly turn into desperation

Where young, naive trust is so easily shattered when dropped

Youth is sexual assault

And not knowing what to call it

Jarrett, Pickles, and a Chair from a Goodwill in Long Beach

Before Jarrett and I ever had a couch together, we had two old chairs I bought from Goodwill. I always felt so cool and Wes Anderson-ee in our big old chairs. In our current apartment, we eventually didn't have room for the big red one, but we still held on to the big green one. I hope we always have room for it.

Of course, the big green chair was Jarrett's, and he always looked great in it. I mean, I DID buy it for him, and he looks great in everything I buy for him, duh. I also just love taking photos of Jarrett. And I added in Pickles because I also love taking photos of my dogs.

Please enjoy Jarrett, Pickles, and a Chair from a Goodwill in Long Beach.

Happy Birthday Me

On Wednesday, I turned 27.

Right now, there are a lot of changes happening in my life. I'm still stuck in a depressive episode. The world seems like it's constantly on fire.

I turned 27 anyway.

I'm not sad that I am 27 necessarily. I am sad that time seems to just move forward so violently without considering the fact that I need more of it. SO MUCH MORE OF IT. I feel like such a failure for having had no success in anything I have actually wanted success in. My accomplishments at this point seem so small and insignificant.

I know we all feel aging, and we all feel inadequate. I am by no means suffering through anything special. I also know I DO have things to be proud of in my life, but that doesn't change how I feel like crap right now.

Please enjoy some cute pictures of me as an adorable child to even out the existential dread.

Confidence

When I was thirteen and took this school photo for eighth grade, I thought I looked BANGIN'. I thought my style was bangin', my hair was bangin', my jewelry was bangin'... I thought I was hot shit. I mean... c'mon guys, I look like the eighties threw up on me, and this was 2004. I don't know why certain periods of my life, I have a sudden burst of confidence and feel like the most amazing goddess that ever existed, and then for MOST periods of my life, I feel like a dumpster fire full of mangey raccoons.

What's probably the weirdest thing that I do is I feel envious of how pretty I was as a child. Trust me, I know how insane and dumb that is. But why did six-year-old me get the perfect hair and BMI?

Some things that I have learned and am STILL learning to put into practice to build up my own confidence naturally are:

1. Fill your social media feeds with women who you think are beautiful who have a similar body type to yours. Don't have it full of (as wonderful and beautiful as they are) women with body types you strive for but physically can't obtain. Also, fill it with happy, wonderful things like puppies.

2. FUCKING EAT. Stop starving yourself. Stop dieting. Stop it. I was trying so hard for so long, and I saw on the internet somewhere the quote "We don't live to lose weight and pay bills," and that made me really rethink how much of my time I was spending on dieting.

3. This one is obvious, but speak kindly to yourself. Don't say mean things about yourself. You are beautiful and amazing. Yell louder than the negative voices in your head.

4. Self-care!! It can be as easy as a face mask, an elongated hot shower, a nap... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You deserve it.

I am sure there is more to be added to the list, but these four seem really important to me. They have already started helping me. I think there are too many women who are sick of spending so much energy hating ourselves.

Spaced Out in Joshua Tree

When we were coming up on our one-year wedding anniversary, I started getting nervous because we had just blown any money we had for travel back in May and hadn't had much opportunity to save in between then and now. We are low-key people; we got married in the woods for goodness' sake, so I wasn't looking for an extravagant getaway. I just wanted something sweet, fun, off the beaten path, and memorable.

My husband, Jarrett, is amazing and surprised me with exactly that. He took me to this isolated place in Joshua Tree that you needed to drive on a dirt road to get to. It had everything from mini golf to a pool to archery to a hot tub you could watch the sunset from. There was also an old ice cream truck with arcade games in it! Our own little trailer was Alien themed, which was the BEST, and we left the star projector on all night.

I don't want to share too much because it was a really special, personal experience with my husband. I want to protect those memories. However, please see all the beautiful and fun photos I took while there!

Comfort Eating

Right now, I am in the middle of a long and drawn-out depressive episode. It hasn't been easy, to say the VERY fucking least, because it's been coupled with a massive spike in my chronic panic over the summer. Both of those things combined has lead to some unhealthy habits in the past few months.

I also have a REALLY bad problem with binge eating. When I am feeling low, I can put away an insane amount of calories in a day. It will feel like my body goes numb, and I can't even tell if I am hungry or full anymore. I just want the happiness the food brings.

This is a serious problem. This has led to COMFORT EATING like WAY TOO MUCH. I have been trying to address this, like on the weekdays I try really hard to cook every night and only eat sweets that are low in calories, like fruit, but in my mind I am always thinking about wanting to binge eat candy. I hate it. Sometimes the thoughts and cravings can be overwhelming, and going back and forth on whether I should or shouldn't can waste so much of my time and energy.

I have a method I try really hard to follow when I start to have obsessive thinking. I try to completely distract my mind by asking it questions like

"What are 5 different things you hear?"

"What are 5 different things you feel physically?"

"What are 5 different things you can smell?"

etc.

Sometimes it really feels like everything can be too overwhelming to deal with. I wish I really didn't have to deal with it. I would give anything to snap my fingers and have these issues disappear. But that is never going to happen, and at least I am doing the best I can.