I feel very guilty. I have been neglecting a lot of things lately that I want to be doing like writing here on this blog, keeping up with my weekly organization of myself, getting back in reading/writing/practicing music/cooking better food/exercising... there's a lot. I have just been paralyzed by stress and depression. I have to literally drag myself through the day and convince myself to do the simplest things like shower or get up in the morning. It seems like everywhere I turn there is only bad things around the corner. I know deep down that I am allowing myself to be overwhelmed with the bad things and there are still good things in my life that I am ignoring but when depression hits it is easy to just say "Fuck this, life is bad right now."
Every day I just sit in chronic pain at my desk, my head swimming with all the stresses of the day and just beg the universe "Please, just give me something good."
Back in middle school I was really obsessed with Mythology. I thought the concepts and stories were so interesting. There was this one idea that our lives are like a wheel. When we are at the top all these good things are happening to us but then it will spin and we will be at the bottom where everything bad happens. But don't worry, the wheel will continue to turn and you will be at the top again.
I try not to get these ideas so solidly in my head because I believe that when we subscribe to something it's like a self fulfilling prophecy. Of course if you believe that once something negative happens you are in for all the negative things then you are just surrounding yourself with negative energy and that just brings the negative things upon you. At least that's what I believe. I understand if you thinks that's utter bullshit and what is going to happen is what happens.
But I am a massively paranoid person.
I feel like I am at the bottom of my wheel right now. I just need to get back to the top.