Life Inspiration

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The Importance of Trees & Friendship

This weekend I got to see my best friend and a couple of random Redwood trees inconspicuously planted in a park in Yorba Linda. These are two of my very favorite things in the world. In fact, I got married in front of BOTH of them because I like them so damn much! My best friend, Denise Luce, is a photographer and you should definitely check her out!


One of my favorite things about the Redwoods is the bark. The bark sheds like snakeskin and flakes away. It has thousands of layers, changing shades. The smell of a Redwood tree is amazing. Something that was, unfortunately, yesterday, masked by burning barbeque smell. I also hate people, did I mention I hate people? A wasp also ate some of my sandwich and it wouldn't leave us alone. Truly though, nothing cleans the soul better than spending quality time with your BFF.

Anyway, please enjoy my photos of the Redwoods in Yorba Linda











and two photos of some cool leaves because whyyyyy not?





Y O U T H

Youth is peeling tinted windows of old cars that smell like cigarettes
The burns from years past on the ceiling that melted the fibers together
Youth is cigarette brands that your grandparents smokes
Cigarette brands your ex-boyfriend smokes
The cheapest pack of cigarettes at the gas station
Youth is dry, hot summer air
Sitting in the car, chain-smoking with your best friend
The radio is the only keeper of time

Youth is sap stuck to your shoes and vomit on your clothes
From smoking pot and drinking in the park until four in the morning
From drinking a bottle of whiskey to forget why I’m here
Youth is skin against skin
Where passion can so quickly turn into desperation
Where young, naive trust is so easily shattered when dropped
Youth is sexual assault

And not knowing what to call it



Jarrett, Pickles, and a Chair from a Goodwill in Long Beach

Before Jarrett and I ever had a couch together we had two old chairs I bought from Goodwill. I always felt so cool and Wes Anderson-ee in our big old chairs. In our current apartment, we eventually didn't have room for the big red one but we still held on to the big green one. I hope we always have room for it.

Of course, the big green chair was Jarrett's and he always looked great in it. I mean, I DID buy it for him and he looks great in everything I buy for him, duh. I also just love taking photos of Jarrett. And I added in Pickles because I also love taking photos of my dogs.

Please enjoy Jarrett, Pickles, and a Chair from a Goodwill in Long Beach.





















Happy Birthday Me

On Wednesday, I turned 27. 

Right now there is a lot of changes happening in my life. I'm still stuck in a depressive episode. The world seems like it's constantly on fire.

I turned 27 anyway.

I'm not sad that I am 27 necessarily. I am sad that time seems to just move forward so violently without considering the fact that I need more of it. SO MUCH MORE OF IT. I feel like such a failure for having had no success in anything I have actually wanted success in. My accomplishments at this point seem so small and insignificant. 

I know we all feel aging and we all feel inadequate. I am by no means suffering through anything special. I also know I DO have things to be proud of in my life but that doesn't change how I feel like crap right now.

Please enjoy some cute pictures of me as an adorable child to even out the existential dread.






Adult Acne

Last December I decided to try out having an IUD as my form of birth control because it just seemed so convenient and well... the country seems hell-bent on controlling women's bodies so I thought "Let's put something a little more permanent up there, shall we?"

Turns out, bad idea. My body fucking HATED the Mirena IUD. 

First of all, it was massively painful to put in. I already have the whole painful bladder disease in that area that didn't help but also my doctor had trouble placing my IUD for 30 minutes.

30 MINUTES

Please, set a timer, lay down and stare at the ceiling, and stab yourself with a knife in your uterus for thirty minutes. Welcome to womanhood.

Anyway, after the implementation of my no-baby device, the horrors truly began. For the first time in my entire life, I had been blessed with cystic acne. After years of just normal shitty breakouts, my entire lower jaw was swollen in painful cysts. I was miserable. I had no idea how to deal. I was embarrassed to even go outside. After 2 months of this, the IUD started messing with my mood swings and then it was officially bye-bye Mirena.

So, now to deal with the aftermath of my hormone fuck fest. It took me almost a year to get my face pretty much back to normal. I still have issues and my scars are almost gone but it's a thousand percent better than the beginning of this year.

I know that hormonal acne can mess with a lot of women in their twenties. Especially because we have to jump around birth controls. So below I have some of the products that helped me recover my face from this tragedy. Hopefully, they might bring you some peace as well. The masks I use as needed. 10 minute is when I feel super breaky out-ee. The charcoal one is a good deep clean in your pores. With the tea tree oil, this is amazing at putting on the acne itself but be super careful, not everyone's skin is friendly to it and be CAREFUL with it around animals!!! Finally, the holy grail, the spot treatment from Origins. I love this SO MUCH. I have never found a spot treatment that has worked as well, as fast, and as effectively. It also doesn't super dry out and ruin your skin.


PRODUCTS FEATURED

Confidence


When I was thirteen and took this school photo for eighth grade, I thought I looked BANGIN'. I thought my style was bangin', my hair was bangin', my jewelry as bangin'... I thought I was hot shit. I mean... c'mon guys, I look like the eighties threw up on me and this was 2004. I don't know why certain periods of my life I have a sudden burst of confidence and feel like the most amazing goddess that ever existed and then for MOST periods of my life I feel like a dumpster fire full of mangey raccoons.

What's probably the weirdest thing that I do is I feel envious of how pretty I was as a child. Trust me, I know how insane and dumb that is. But why did six years old me get the perfect hair and BMI?



Some things that I have learned and am STILL learning to put into practice to build up my own confidence naturally is:

1. Fill your social media feeds with women that you think are beautiful that are your similar body type. Don't have it full of (as wonderful and beautiful as they are) women with body types you strive for but physically can't obtain. Also, fill it with happy wonderful things like body positive quotes and puppies.

2. FUCKING EAT. Stop starving yourself. Stop dieting. Stop it. I was trying to so hard for so long and I saw on the internet somewhere the quote "We don't live to lose weight and pay bills." and that made me really rethink how much of my time I was spending on dieting.

3. This one is obvious but speak kindly to yourself. Don't say mean things about yourself. You are beautiful and amazing. Yell louder than the negative voices in your head.

4. Self-care!! It can be as easy as a face mask, an elongated hot shower, a nap... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You deserve it.

I am sure there is more to be added to the list but these four seem really important to me. They have already started helping me currently. I think there are too many women who are sick of spending so much energy hating ourselves.

@alienbraindisorder