New Year

I want to do better for myself. With the last half a year of insane over time I have been putting myself through with the wedding, the holidays, getting used to a new job... I have severely neglected myself. As of recent I have succumbed to severe dissatisfaction with my looks, my health, my weight, and my life in general. I may have very high standards for myself but I enjoy trying to live up to those.

I don't believe in New Years resolutions because they always get broken. To attempt to refurbish my life I instead made a "New Years To-Do list" (kinda the same but whatever, this is my way hahah)


LET’S DO THIS

  1. Yoga every night at 11:30PM: I feel like this will really help me to become a healthier, more relaxed person. I am already trying to replace my anxiety medication through other methods like CBD, a weighted blanket, and exercise. I think stepping away from the screens and relaxing right before bed with some nice music would really help.
  2. Green Tea smoothie in the morning: I have a pretty dope recipe for this that involves no added sugar and home brewed tea (yay, no citric acid for my bladder!) This is just a great healthy start to the day!
  3. Healthy lunch every day, balanced: For a long time I have skipped lunch or just scrounged from the snacks in the office. It has been less than healthy. I need to focus on bringing at least a small something to eat every day to keep me healthy and satisfied till dinner. I mention balanced so I include more than just one food group!
  4. Cook healthy dinners: It's pretty easy to just eat out all the time or to just throw something unhealthy together to get it over with. This isn't going to fly anymore. It makes me feel like shit and my body needs more than french fries, sorry 'bout it.
  5. Muay Thai 2x a week: Muay Thai has been INSANELY beneficial for me. Not just for my mental health but for me physically too. I love doing it and it makes me feel great. This needs to be something I keep up with and don't just make excuses to get out of so I can watch 2 more hours of television.
  6. Read every day: I used to read a book a week. It was one of my favorite past times. Now I have a pile of unread books up to my hip and it makes me really upset. I want to get back into it. It brought me so much joy and I'm neglecting it to just be lazy.
  7. Write at least once a week: I haven't finished a book in over a year. I self-published one and then got massive writers block. I have 2 books in the works but they barely have 10 pages each. I need to get back into it. Once again, stop being lazy!
  8. Lift weights: This kinda goes along with Muay Thai. I have TERRIBLE muscle strength and I need to build it back up.
  9. Work on Wormhole Labs: This is crazy important to me. This is my husband's and my new business and I want to really get it off the ground this year. It's my dream to work for myself and to include my husband in it makes me so happy!
  10. Write in blog 3x a week: I need to stop ignoring this blog. Writing here about my life and thoughts makes me feel better. Why ignore something that makes me feel good?
  11. Make a better budget and start saving: After the wedding and Christmas I am CLEANED OUT. I need to get back on track and redo my budget. Then it's time to save and pay off all those debts.
  12. Get a better skin care routine: I am iway self conscious about my skin and want to really work on finding the right products for the mess of a face I have.
  13. Keep up with planner: Having a planner all filled out brings me much joy. It's calming and I find joy in it. Also my husband will tease me mercilessly if I spend a bunch of money on it and never do it! This is also another step towards being crazy organized.
  14. Stop SMOKING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD: I actually am on me 3rd day of quitting! Wish me luck!


I really hope I can kick this years ass. I have a lot more than this list that I want to accomplish but this is always a good place to start!

Chronic Pain

For the last few years my pain has gone from manageable to something that is a daily struggle.



It started when I was sixteen and one day at Disneyland I started having so much abdominal pain that it was difficult to walk. I went to the doctors and after some tests it was determined that I had ovarian cysts and need to take hormonal birth control to keep them at bay. Not too big of a deal. The pills made the cysts dissolve and the pain went away.

A few years later I started having insane uterine contractions that would leave me unable to move. My doctor was stumped and just threw a bottle of Vicodin at me and sent me home. The contractions continued and I just became Vicodin dependent which my doctor wouldn't refill so I was just stuck with the pain.

A short while later my doctor diagnosed me with hip bursitis. My tendons were inflamed because I am pigeon toed and my bones pull my tendons "wrong"

Then during my struggle to find medication that worked for my bipolar disorder I was put on a medication that gave me an incurable bladder disease, Interstitial Cystitis. This comes with the need to constantly urinate as well as urinary tract pain that flares up unexpectedly. I cant even have periods anymore because with this they are unbelievably painful.

Just to finish off this shit cake, I got in a very bad car accident that left my neck messed the hell up.

So... I hurt. A LOT. Like... all the time. Sitting in a desk chair 9 hours a day is not awesome. Today I am typing this all out because I am having my first period in 3 years in preparation for my IUD to get inserted on Friday. Because of my situation I can't just take today off and lay in bed in pain. I have to go into the office and sit here. Every day I'm in pain I have to. It never stops and it never will.

I would give anything to be able to work for myself to be able to be in control of my own health, to be able to take care of myself like I want to. Until then I am hunched over in this chair, staring at this screen, just trying to take my mind off the pain.

My Number One Fear


Some people live a life full of completely rational fears. They jump at the site of insects and rodents, they scream when they are near a snake, I don’t even blame the ones that shudder at the site of clowns. When it comes to me, I live in constant, all-consuming terror of being kidnapped, kept in someone’s basement or dirty spare room, and tortured in unfathomable ways for years and years while family and friends alike just accept that most likely I am rotting in the ground. Giving up the search, moving on while I am raped daily and time slowly passes me in my own personal hell.
I have been burdened with this fear since news broke on the case about Ariel Castro, the most evil man I could have never imagined before I opened up my laptop that fateful day when I was twenty-one. I couldn’t get enough of the story. I read as much as I could, becoming obsessed, buying the survivors books and diving into the mind of tragedy and hopelessness. The fear grew.
They knew this man, they were friends of his daughter. He tricked them into his house. He violated their minds and bodies. He treated them as less than people. For over ten years, he kept them hidden, fathering a child to one while constantly forcing abortions on another. He took their dignity, their humanity as if it was his to take. Monster.

I was in too deep. My fear had overcome me. There had to be more monsters… and there was. Josef Fritzl kept his own daughter locked up in an underground bunker he built himself for twenty-four years, fathering seven children with her, all by rape. He lied to everyone, saying she ran away, even taking some of the children upstairs in the house saying she has left them on the doorstep for them to deal with. Finally he was caught when one of the children became deathly ill and needed hospital. Twenty-four years.
Jacyee Dugard was kidnapped for eighteen years by Phillip Garrido and his wife. Tazed on the way to the bus stop at eleven years old. He kept her in his backyard and raped her repeatedly. Fathering two children with her. He would do drugs and rape her for hours and hours at a time without a break. She was thirteen when she first got pregnant. Police were supposed to keep an eye on Garrido since he was on parole for another rape and kidnapping. They never took a close enough look to see Jaycee. She was finally discovered after a slip up on Garrido’s part but after EIGHTEEN years.


I could keep going. There will always be the infamous cases like Elizabeth Smart and Shawn Hornbeck but there are so, so many that disappear. Some die and some live a lost life, years stolen by selfish people. My biggest fear will always haunt me, I will always double check the locks on the doors, I will always decline rides from anyone (even people I may know), and I will always look over my shoulder. But will it save me from the wolf in sheep’s clothing?

Selfless VS. Selfish

With my wedding just around the corner, a new job having started, my great grandma dying yesterday, and just a million small things to stress about I am just stressed. What's new. I am always stressed unless I am doing everything perfect and I am organized and blah blah blah. No matter how well I am doing, I am never doing well enough. This is such a repetitive thing on this blog I can imagine you are all sick of hearing about it but this is my obsession.
I need to be the best fiance/ future wife.
I need to be the best supporter.
I need to be the best employee.
I need to be the best kickboxer.
ETC.
When I'm not, I hate myself.

I pride myself on being a selfless, independent person. If I ever say anything selfish or act selfish I feel horrible. Like, I hate buying things for myself even when I need to. I feel happy and then I feel gross. I feel them simultaneously. I know I need to do things for me and take care of me but everything ELSE isn't perfect yet. Maybe I am just MASSIVELY delusional.

Who knows.

I have plenty, plenty to be happy about right now. I really need to just let go and do my thing to make me happy. Fucking neurotic me ruining my own shit.

I'll list happy things so I can remind myself and also so I just don't seem like a whiny turd.

1. Almost all the wedding stuff is taken care of
2. Muay Thai feels great and I'm so happy I am doing it
3. My new job is SO NICE TO ME and that feels amazing
4. My apartment is really awesome and I continue to make it even awesomer
5. My fiance and I have continued to keep up with our podcast and it makes me so happy
6. I am on the right track
7. I wrote today for the first time in awhile and drew! I should keep doing that.
8. I've had some great happy moments even though I've had stressful and sad moments.
9. I've had some really amazing conversations with one of my besties lately that has made me feel good <3

Always find the positive even in the swamp of shit.

Turning

Shit is real y'all.

I think my wheel is finally turning.




I have just accepted a way better job literally a DAY after being laid off. I am basically getting a two week vacation because of it. I am sticking to my guns in keeping my toxic family out of my business. Wedding planning is going great. Muay Thai is going great. My fiance's and my podcast is going great. I am feeling positive about the future and positive about the PRESENT.

I still feel like it isn't ENOUGH. Not like that I'm not getting enough good things, I'm not being greedy here, I am BEYOND grateful for what I am getting. I just feel like I am not doing enough. I am never enough. But this is something I need to work on for myself because everyone around me always says that I am beyond doing enough. I just always feel like I have the be the best for myself and for my loved ones. Be perfect. Make everyone so proud their heads explode. I don't know. Mayne this makes no sense. Maybe this is incredibly relatable.

I just am so happy that things are turning around.

Muay Thai, Podcasting, and Eating Lunch

I'm sorry it's been a month since I wrote here but I have honestly been either so busy I want to fall over or I have been so depressed I want to fall over. I want to try and keep up with everything. While discussing my plans with my friend last night she said "How do you have time for anything?" and I laughed. BECAUSE I DON'T. And I still get frustrated that I can't do more. I wish I didn't need as much sleep as I did so I could stay up later to do MORE things.
This month I started a Science Fiction podcast with my fiance because we both love Sci-fi and podcasts. I made up our website, coded things, submitted us everywhere, we have been recording, researching, releasing, promoting, and I am so in love with it! These are the kinds of things I wish could just be my work full-time. If you have any interest in this please check us out! www.scifidoublefeaturedrivein.com
Also this month, I have started training in Muay Thai. I am going full force with it, starting at 4 days a week, if not more. I am also so in love with this! My therapist said I needed stress relief and I found it. I also have always wanted to get into a physical, competitive sport and I'm glad I found this. Every day I am sore but I feel great. The gym I go to is supportive and full of great people. I can't wait to become better and to one day fight in the ring!
To continue improving my health I am now eating 3 meals a day (holy shit, right?) I have always been busy and with my social anxiety I hate eating at work in front of people so I just.... wouldn't. But now I am forcing myself to. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner. Everyday. Full of fruit, vegetables, proteins, and all good stuff.
My therapist said I should write when I am feeling good so when I get depressed I can read back and feel better. This blog is definitely that place for me. I have already written so many positive things here and I need to keep at it! Even if it adds to my schedule that grows longer and longer every day.
But a busy mind for me is a happy mind as I am sure a lot of you can relate!

The Blob


Deep, vicious depression is one of the most impossible things to try an explain to people who do not feel it. I have read plenty of articles, posts by friends and acquaintances from support groups I am a part of on Facebook all explaining the pain they are going through. But none that I feel really gets to the heart of how incredibly devastating it is. I feel like I could type for hours and all that will come out is a jumbled mush of words that will still not come across in a way that would properly describe the complete loneliness, hopelessness, desperation, and pain of depression. I know many people suffer differently. Not every mental illness is the same and thats why every treatment and pill is different. The human brain is difficult to treat. You can not examine it the way you can a broken bone or a regular disease. When going to the psychiatrist for my bipolar disorder it's like having a handful of meds being thrown at me and seeing which ones maybe stick just enough to bring me some form of peace. In no way am I cured. The medicine just helps to settle things to where I can feel some kind of "normal". I still get depressed. I still get manic. Just much less so.
Right now my life's circumstances have left me in a very severe depression. There are days where the anxiety from it leaves me in physical pain because my chest and throat feel so tight, it hurts to swallow.
My family says "Just think of the things you have to be GRATEFUL for,"
I know what I have that is great. I am very grateful for my wonderful fiance, the apartment I love, my dog... but that doesn't change my depression. That doesn't make it go away.
I feel overwhelmed by the bad. Sometimes as small as the bad may be at one time. To me it feels so large that like The Blob it spreads over all the happy things and consumes them. I have many things I would love to do to bring me happiness but my motivation is stunted. I feel like moving and doing anything is nearly impossible. I can't even bring myself to shower most days. I wish more than anything I could do these things and be better. I dream about it. I wish people could understand what it feels like to just feel like you CAN'T. To sometimes lie there and not even want to breathe because of the effort. To have no recent pictures with a genuine smile because what reason do I have to smile?
I keep myself awake at night daydreaming so vividly of better things. Of my job changing, of me being able to get up and do the things I love, of the conversations I want to have, the places I want to go, the way I want to look. But I pop some klonopin to quiet my brain so I can sleep. I cry silently in bed. I am a failure in my eyes. I will never get past this. I will always be in pain.
I wish I had encouraging words at the end of this but I don't.
All I can say is if you have a loved one with mental illness please make sure they don't feel alone. Lay next to them and hold them. Tell them they matter. They are wonderful and special and beautiful. That you love them. Help them get out of painful situations that are hurting them. You being there for them and supporting them means more to them than you understand.