The Loch Ness Monster Dog

Back in January, we did something I have been dying to do for so long.

We adopted a dog!

I am beyond ecstatic about it since it's my absolute, number one dream to eventually live on a big property in the forest up north with many, MANY dogs. And goats. And one brown-haired cow. I am an extremely specific person, y'all.

Never in my entire life did I ever expect that we would own a Husky. Growing up, there was one that lived across the street from my family, and all we ever heard was about how it tore their place to shreds. The second I looked into her eyes at the shelter, though, it really didn't matter what type of dog she was. It was the same feeling I got when I first saw my other dog, Pickles. I immediately thought, "This is my dog."

Sure. She is a handful. SHE IS a Husky. Who is also a year old. BUT, I wouldn't trade her for anything. Even though she has a sensitive stomach, occasionally chews up something irreplaceable, and loves to do zoomies all over the place.

Thing I didn't know about Huskies, they LOVE to cuddle. She is always attempting to crawl up on my lap (Jarrett hates this since he doesn't want her hair all over the couch more than it already is!), and when she can't get up, she puts her paws up and buries her head in you or licks you forever.

We ended up naming her "Nessie" since we are super obsessed with cryptids, and one of the most infamous is, of course, The Loch Ness Monster. She is also albino, which just adds to how truly special she is.

I am already so attached to this beautiful little polar bear dog. She makes big, dumb smiles and loves to play tug of war with fingers. She murders toys and has weird belly hair. I love her stupid face to the moon and back.

Something I would like to bring up from this experience is that the shelters are FULL of Huskies right now. Just like with 101 Dalmatians and Frasier, another breed has become popular due to pop culture and is now being widely abandoned due to people not understanding the responsibilities that come with owning a dog. With Game of Thrones, everyone wants a Husky. When they aren't a puppy anymore, and they are chewing everything due to boredom since most people don't have the energy for the breed, they dump them. Nessie was found on the street. This is heartbreaking.

If you see an animal on your favorite show and feel inclined to own that animal, do your research. Really and truly consider if you actually WANT to have that animal as a part of your family, and if you are willing to dedicate your resources and time. Otherwise, we end up with shelters full of Huskies that just want a family to cuddle and play with.




credit: dlartphoto.com

credit: dlartphoto.com

Who Am I?

Is it okay to be 26 and still have existential crises? Because I feel like I've been having them forever, and I am not sure they are going to come to a stop anytime soon. I think I should have figured this out by now. Maybe I already DO know, but I am just doing my thing where I think I suck, but everyone else thinks differently. Am I being TOO relatable right now? Ha.
I just look at myself as a whole and feel like I am a bunch of floating pieces instead of a whole person. Like, I don't have a strong identity. I am made up of a ton of different identities smooshed into one. I am a creative who works in a very code-heavy job that is obsessed with skin care and makeup but rarely wears makeup, and I have a big, loving heart but openly despises the world... what is this mess? WHO AM I?
I am contradictory.
I am in love with milkshakes and binge eating candy, but obsessed with counting calories.
I am spontaneous and wild, but I plan like an INSANE woman.
I wish I could be moving and productive 24/7, and FREAK if I am not, but want to lie on the couch for hours (and sometimes do).
I want to dress cute and sometimes try, but wear my mom's old sweater from the 90's more days than I like to admit.
Maybe this is normal. Maybe you are thinking, "Get your shit together, you dumb lady."

I don't think it's strange to not know and to be constantly challenging yourself to figure it out. Stagnant people are boring. I would rather be still freaking out and trying to become something better at 80 than sit in my dusty ol' chair thinking about dying. That's boring, and I am bored just thinking about it. Put on my gravestone, "WHO AM I?"



I am happy, though right now. I like my job. I like my life. I like my dogs. (You heard right, I got another dog) I like things. Weird.

New Year

I want to do better for myself. With the last half a year of insane overtime I have been putting myself through with the wedding, the holidays, getting used to a new job... I have severely neglected myself. As of recent, I have succumbed to severe dissatisfaction with my looks, my health, my weight, and my life in general. I may have very high standards for myself, but I enjoy trying to live up to those.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions because they always get broken. To attempt to refurbish my life, I instead made a "New Year's To-Do list" (kinda the same but whatever, this is my way hahah)


LET’S DO THIS

  1. Yoga every night at 11:30PM: I feel like this will really help me to become a healthier, more relaxed person. I am already trying to replace my anxiety medication through other methods like CBD, a weighted blanket, and exercise. I think stepping away from the screens and relaxing right before bed with some nice music would really help.
  2. Green Tea smoothie in the morning: I have a pretty dope recipe for this that involves no added sugar and home-brewed tea (yay, no citric acid for my bladder!) This is just a great healthy start to the day!
  3. Healthy lunch every day, balanced: For a long time, I have skipped lunch or just scrounged from the snacks in the office. It has been less than healthy. I need to focus on bringing at least a small something to eat every day to keep me healthy and satisfied till dinner. I mention balanced, so I include more than just one food group!
  4. Cook healthy dinners: It's pretty easy to just eat out all the time or to just throw something unhealthy together to get it over with. This isn't going to fly anymore. It makes me feel like shit, and my body needs more than french fries, sorry 'bout it.
  5. Muay Thai 2x a week: Muay Thai has been INSANELY beneficial for me. Not just for my mental health, but for me physically too. I love doing it, and it makes me feel great. This needs to be something I keep up with and don't just make excuses to get out o,f so I can watch 2 more hours of television.
  6. Read every day: I used to read a book a week. It was one of my favorite pastimes. Now I have a pile of unread books up to my hip, and it makes me really upset. I want to get back into it. It brought me so much joy, and I'm neglecting it to just be lazy.
  7. Write at least once a week: I haven't finished a book in over a year. I self-published one and then got massive writer's block. I have 2 books in the works, but they barely have 10 pages each. I need to get back into it. Once again, stop being lazy!
  8. Lift weights: This kinda goes along with Muay Thai. I have TERRIBLE muscle strength, and I need to build it back up.
  9. Work on Wormhole Labs: This is crazy important to me. This is my husband's and my new business, and I want to really get it off the ground this year. It's my dream to work for myself, and to include my husband in it makes me so happy!
  10. Write in blog 3x a week: I need to stop ignoring this blog. Writing here about my life and thoughts makes me feel better. Why ignore something that makes me feel good?
  11. Make a better budget and start saving: After the wedding and Christmas, I am CLEANED OUT. I need to get back on track and redo my budget. Then it's time to save and pay off all those debts.
  12. Get a better skin care routine: I am iway self conscious about my skin and want to really work on finding the right products for the mess of a face I have.
  13. Keep up with planner: Having a planner all filled out brings me much joy. It's calming, and I find joy in it. Also, my husband will tease me mercilessly if I spend a bunch of money on it and never do it! This is also another step towards being crazy organized.
  14. Stop SMOKING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD: I actually am on my 3rd day of quitting! Wish me luck!

I really hope I can kick this year's ass. I have a lot more than this list that I want to accomplish, but this is always a good place to start!

Chronic Pain

For the last few years my pain has gone from manageable to something that is a daily struggle.


It started when I was sixteen. One day at Disneyland, I started having so much abdominal pain that it was difficult to walk. I went to the doctors, and after some tests, it was determined that I had ovarian cysts and needed to take hormonal birth control to keep them at bay. Not too big of a deal. The pills made the cysts dissolve, and the pain went away.

A few years later, I started having insane uterine contractions that would leave me unable to move. My doctor was stumped and just threw a bottle of Vicodin at me and sent me home. The contractions continued, and I just became Vicodin dependent, which my doctor wouldn't refill, so I was just stuck with the pain.

A short while later, my doctor diagnosed me with hip bursitis. My tendons were inflamed because I am pigeon-toed and my bones pull my tendons "wrong."

Then, during my struggle to find medication that worked for my bipolar disorder, I was put on a medication that gave me an incurable bladder disease, Interstitial Cystitis. This comes with the need to constantly urinate as well as urinary tract pain that flares up unexpectedly. I can't even have periods anymore because with this, they are unbelievably painful.

Just to finish off this shit cake, I got in a very bad car accident that left my neck messed the hell up.

So... I hurt. A LOT. Like... all the time. Sitting in a desk chair for 9 hours a day is not awesome. Today I am typing this all out because I am having my first period in 3 years in preparation for my IUD to get inserted on Friday. Because of my situation, I can't just take today off and lie in bed in pain. I have to go into the office and sit here. Every day I'm in pain, I have to. It never stops and it never will.

I would give anything to be able to work for myself, to be able to be in control of my own health, to be able to take care of myself like I want to. Until then, I am hunched over in this chair, staring at this screen, just trying to take my mind off the pain.

My Number One Fear


Some people live a life full of completely rational fears. They jump at the sight of insects and rodents, they scream when they are near a snake, I don’t even blame the ones that shudder at the sight of clowns. When it comes to me, I live in constant, all-consuming terror of being kidnapped, kept in someone’s basement or dirty spare room, and tortured in unfathomable ways for years and years while family and friends alike just accept that most likely I am rotting in the ground. Giving up the search, moving on, while I am raped daily, and time slowly passes me in my own personal hell.
I have been burdened with this fear since news broke on the case about Ariel Castro, the most evil man I could have never imagined before I opened up my laptop that fateful day when I was twenty-one. I couldn’t get enough of the story. I read as much as I could, becoming obsessed, buying the survivors' books, and diving into the mind of tragedy and hopelessness. The fear grew.
They knew this man; they were friends of his daughter. He tricked them into his house. He violated their minds and bodies. He treated them as less than people. For over ten years, he kept them hidden, fathering a child to one while constantly forcing abortions on another. He took their dignity, their humanity, as if it were his to take. Monster.


I was in too deep. My fear had overcome me. There had to be more monsters… and there was. Josef Fritzl kept his own daughter locked up in an underground bunker he built himself for twenty-four years, fathering seven children with her, all by rape. He lied to everyone, saying she had ran away, even taking some of the children upstairs in the house, saying she had left them on the doorstep for them to deal with. Finally, he was caught when one of the children became deathly ill and needed to go to the hospital. Twenty-four years.

Jacyee Dugard was kidnapped for eighteen years by Phillip Garrido and his wife. Tazed on the way to the bus stop at eleven years old. He kept her in his backyard and raped her repeatedly. Fathering two children with her. He would do drugs and rape her for hours and hours at a time without a break. She was thirteen when she first got pregnant. Police were supposed to keep an eye on Garrido since he was on parole for another rape and kidnapping. They never took a close enough look to see Jaycee. She was finally discovered after a slip-up on Garrido’s part, but after EIGHTEEN years.

I could keep going. There will always be the infamous cases like Elizabeth Smart and Shawn Hornbeck, but there are so, so many that disappear. Some die, and some live a lost life, years stolen by selfish people. My biggest fear will always haunt me, I will always double-check the locks on the doors, I will always decline rides from anyone (even people I may know), and I will always look over my shoulder. But will it save me from the wolf in sheep’s clothing?

Selfless VS. Selfish

With my wedding just around the corner, a new job having started, my great grandma dying yesterday, and just a million small things to stress about I am just stressed. What's new. I am always stressed unless I am doing everything perfect and I am organized and blah blah blah. No matter how well I am doing, I am never doing well enough. This is such a repetitive thing on this blog I can imagine you are all sick of hearing about it but this is my obsession.
I need to be the best fiance/ future wife.
I need to be the best supporter.
I need to be the best employee.
I need to be the best kickboxer.
ETC.
When I'm not, I hate myself.

I pride myself on being a selfless, independent person. If I ever say anything selfish or act selfish I feel horrible. Like, I hate buying things for myself even when I need to. I feel happy and I feel gross. I feel them simultaneously. I know I need to do things for me and take care of me, but everything ELSE isn't perfect yet. Maybe I am just MASSIVELY delusional.

Who knows.

I have plenty, plenty to be happy about right now. I really need to just let go and do my thing to make me happy. Fucking neurotic me ruining my own shit.

I'll list happy things so I can remind myself and also so I just don't seem like a whiny turd.

1. Almost all the wedding stuff is taken care of
2. Muay Thai feels great and I'm so happy I am doing it
3. My new job is SO NICE TO ME and that feels amazing
4. My apartment is really awesome and I continue to make it even awesomer
5. My fiance and I have continued to keep up with our podcast and it makes me so happy
6. I am on the right track
7. I wrote today for the first time in awhile and drew! I should keep doing that.
8. I've had some great happy moments even though I've had stressful and sad moments.
9. I've had some really amazing conversations with one of my besties lately and that has made me feel good <3

Always find the positive, even in the swamp of shit.

@alienbraindisorder