I am sitting at my desk and it hits me. Something, anything. Yesterday it was the news that there was a massive tornado near where a lot of my family was and I couldn't get a hold of my dad to know if they were okay. Sometimes it's an e-mail that rubs me the wrong way. Sometime I'm home and something just doesn't feel right.
Usually it isn't the actually thing that triggers the emotional break. Most of the time it's the straw that broke the worn down as fuck camel's back. The camel that hasn't drank any water for a few weeks and has been pushed around by some assholes that need to just let the camel be a god-damned camel.
Whatever it is, I all of a sudden can't keep the feelings all smashed up inside anymore. It's coming out and I better find somewhere to do it or everything is going to get really awkward. Like a pregnant lady about to be sick, I bolt for the nearest safe space. These are the places I cry:
As you can see they are as much solitude as I can get in a busy world where we work in open, trendy offices and every action we take is displayed on the social platform. I hide. I hide usually in plain sight where at any moment someone can just pop around a corner or open a door and uncomfortably discover me. This has happened. It's not fun for anyone. No one enjoys other people's emotions, especially the uncomfortable ones like depression, anxiety, or anger. People want to shut the door and pretend they didn't see it.
This is what makes us seek solitude in the first place. This is why we shove everything down until we break and have to hurl ourselves into these spaces to quietly fall apart. Then we blow our nose, wipe our eyes on our sleeve, and shove it all back into place.
We do this because we don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
We do this out of shame.
We do this out of embarrassment.
But we shouldn't suffer like this. We shouldn't be in pain alone. We shouldn't shove it all down just to explode. This is how we immobilize ourselves. By isolating ourselves in our cars and bathrooms, we feel like there's no one who cares. To be in pain alone is a terrible thing.
So stop.
Stop worrying about making your friends and family uncomfortable. Don't feel shame and embarrassment because you have feelings and especially if you have depression or anxiety. You need to share and be supported and find a group of people that make you feel strong when you are most certain you are weak. Sure, we still need to be alone every once in awhile but please, for me, don't hide.