My Monday started with me crying. This is not entirely unusual, me crying. Part of being Bipolar is crying spells. Some weeks there isn't a day that goes by without me crying every day. I have swapped normal makeup for red rimmed eyes and crunchy tear stained cheeks. Some days my eyes are so swollen from the night before that it hurts.
Anyway, crying. I was crying. I was anxious. Things aren't going well and I am scared every day of what will happen. Work is.... complicated. I probably shouldn't talk about it so I won't for now but let us just say that Klonopin and Ativan are my best friends Monday through Friday. And oh my god the crying.
I also haven't showered in a week. When I am on this level of stress and depression I don't take care of myself at all. I just am in my own mind. Obsessive thoughts about how I have no control over my life so it's like, fuck it, I'm not going to do anything. I'm too overwhelmed.
I'm really not painting a great picture of myself right now but I really don't feel great.
I have been so anxious lately that there is constantly a tightness in my chest. Like, my heart is a twisted mess and filled with rocks. Sometimes the crying releases some of the tension. Yesterday it was screaming the lyrics to David Bowie songs in my car on the way home. We do what we can with what we have.
I finally got an appointment with a therapist today.
After eight months of really, really struggling.
I've KNOWN I have needed it desperately and I really don't have anything against therapy. It's just that human thing where we put off and put off things we know we need because we are being stubborn for no reason at all.
Something that helps me on bad days at the end and something I did last night at the end of feeling really shitty for a good twelve hours was making a list of things that were good that day. Even through everything that sucked, there was still good things that made me happy.

1. Coffee is really tasty when you are really tired
2. Coming home when you feel bad and hugging someone you love feels SO good
3. Falling asleep while watching tv in a warm blanket feels safe
4. The move Milk is really inspiring 
5. My best friend said something great that made me feel good, "You are doing the best you can"
6. Some songs feel so good to sing to
7. Waffle fries are very tasty and salty

I could even write more! But really. It is okay to not be okay and there are good things in bad days, no matter how small. You just need to look for them.

And listen to my best friend, you ARE doing the best you can.